Thoughts and Memoirs

woman warIt’s been several years now, that I really haven’t felt ALIVE! I’m not sure if it’s the getting older, or the getting responsible, but I feel that I’ve been indifferent about the whole thing. Day to day it seems as if I’m just floating by or passing on the opportunities that lie ahead by playing it safe or just not caring really. It’s almost like I’m in a dream world or an aggregated state of emotions that seem to fester beneath the surface with no way or really, no want to let them out. It’s hard to believe that, but most of my days are filled with mundane regularities that seem to pass the time rather than challenge me or get me excited. I’ve been doing comedy for about a year now and though I’ve noticed some improvement, the drive seems to fade in and out like an old memory. I love comedy and really enjoy making people laugh but sometimes the desire to do the leg work, like sitting down and writing makes me question why I’m doing this. I have this high dose of laziness that seems to hover over me like a shadow that casts doubt on me not being good enough to achieve what I want, while also providing me with no motivation to accomplish what I “think” I want. It’s a constant back and forth battle, “Am I good enough?”, “Do I want to improve?”, “Should I just give up?”, then bouncing to the “I am good!”, “I’m going to get better!”, “I’m not giving up until…” That is when I fall back unto the negatives, I don’t know what my goal is, I guess to make a living, but I don’t want the money, I mean I enjoy spending it, but the constant struggle of working just to get it, only having you fall behind on bills to achieve something more of something that youSelfbeliefs don’t even know what it is that you want from life. I know this doesn’t make much sense, but it’s the constant battle of being Lost and Found then finding some love for something, but not knowing what you want out of that love and it’s a tussle; a war of sorts that causes you to breakdown to the point where you can only get back up, but not knowing if you even want to stand-up again. The feeling of letting others down trumps your own devices, but feeling that it might be better if you stop doing what you enjoy and that’s creating enjoyment for others. The thought of possibly creating a less enjoyable time for people will keep you racking your own brain that it seems distilled to the point of you constantly coming back to this point inside your own head like it’s a NASCAR race with infinite laps. I’m still not sure what the point of this is, I guess just a creative outlet to let out some of my inner thoughts. I don’t know what I want from life, but I do know that I want people to be happy and that’s the main ideal that I justify to myself for getting on stage and trying to entertain people. Entertaining people has always come natural to me, but it’s hard to now have work at this ability to make a living because that damn dark cloud won’t stop making me lazy. I know, I know if you want something you have to work, but what do you do if your brain only allows you to work some of the time and the other time it’s lost thinking about unsettled resolutions from your past; or things that you want to get done in the future, but you yourself knowing you’ll never get it done? I guess it’s lack of drive, or self-discipline, but how does one seek the help if they’re scared of the results, of either it being a chemical makeup issue or just pure and utter laziness? I know I’m good at making people laugh, I guess the ultimate question is, Am I good enough to make the whole world laugh? We’ll find out in due time I suppose if I get off my ass and do something about it. Ok, I’ve bitched enough It’s time to get things done, at least for right now, I’m sure in an hour or two I’ll be distracted with my own inner turmoil that I’m “Wasting my time” or “I should give up” but either way It will be fun. If you actually read this far you’re probably my mom in which I LOVE YOU MOM! and if you’re not my mom, thanks for supporting me thus far, or thinking I’m bat shit crazy!